Egotastic! Breaks Promise to Never Compare Any Fat Celebrity to an Ewok
When I got into this business, I made myself two promises. First, I wasn’t ever going back to jail for stealing women’s panties from a display window at a surprisingly well monitored boutique, guys in for panties theft just don’t do well after lockdown, and, second, I’d never ever compare a fat celebrity to an Ewok. Not that I haven’t had the inkling to do both over the years, but I’ve managed to keep my bond with the man in the mirror.
Now, I’m afraid I’ve been forced to back pedal from that sacred vow, courtesy of the ginormous Jessica Simpson, who is no longer simply measured in inches or feet, but in terms of how many 1970′s era cookie cutter municipal baseball stadiums she comprises. Currently, we’re at Riverfront plus Busch Memorial plus half of Milwaukee County Stadium in terms of girth. Let’s just agree that she’s become a rather large lady.
Anybody within the Sherman Oaks area of Los Angeles of late has spotted the behemoth trolling the various dining facilities along Ventura Boulevard in search of continuous sustenance for what must surely be 12-17 fully-formed fetuses about to be birthed through her dilated mucket.
Over the weekend, Jessica endured the pouring rain to grab BBQ from Boneyard Bistro. Mmm, ribs.
Simple message of caution: do not get between this Ewok and her BBQ, because forty lbs. of nourishment is going down mamas gullet one way or another and you’ll be wanting to keep your legs.
Irina Shayk and Anne Vyalitsyna Bikini Pictures Are Hot, Sweaty, and All-Around Asstastic on South Beach
Irina Shayk and her Eastern European model gal pal, Anne Vyalitsyna, shaked their respective booties along the South Florida coast over the weekend, soaking up the sun, wetting themselves in the very lucky ocean, and essentially reminding leering men near and wide why some women get paid big bucks to look awesome on camera. Those booties are to die for, those bodies are to live for (and make money to afford), an all around show of ridiculously hot, candid, n0 special lighting, no hair, no makeup, model body goodness.
How lucky have the men of Miami been this winter? Just ridiculous what’s been going on down there on the beach since last November. Enjoy.
You already know my feeling about the veteran hotties. Experience and wisdom plus a bodacious body equals a woman who makes the perfect instructor for a younger man looking to gain knowledge in the area of carnal matters.
At 51, Rita Rusic not only has the killer body, but she’s now just plain old flaunting it along the South Florida coast, her decades younger boyfriend off in the water somewhere, the Italian film producer just giving a visual peek-a-boo shoutout to younger gentlemen oglers along the beach to let them know that mama might still be looking for more cubs. Whelp. Enjoy.
Erika Jayne Bikini Pictures for Your Wet Curvy Diva Lustiness Quota
Just to remind those of you who like myself couldn’t name a single hot star on the Dance Club Music Billboard Charts, Erika Jayne is one of the biggest breakout stars of the past several years in the ear-bleeding pfft-pfft-pfft move your booty on the dance floor music genre. And, she’s one of the curvier girls we feature her on Egotastic! Big-boned you might say, which I know for some of you is the gift of mammarial manna from the heavens.
Erika Jayne is the latest and greatest celebrity to hit Miami beach this week, whip out her bikini, get wet, get snapped, and find herself on our leering room floor. So, leer away, good people, we all have to play our part in the sextastic celebrity supply chain. Enjoy.
Before She Was a Mama, She Was Our Hot Mama. 8 Photos »
Victoria’s Secret model and young mom to DJ spawn, Doutzen Kroes continued her multi-bikini vacation in Miami over the weekend in a little pinkish number that had us ogling from ear to ear.
We’re stil not exactly sure how she got her wicked body back in such tremendous shape since last year’s delivery, but we’re quite certain it involves hard sweaty work and the sacrifice of innocent seal pups to the Gods of Abs and Asstastic. Sounds extreme, but take a look at Doutzen’s bikini body and tell me it’s not a win for the ecosystem. Enjoy.
I can’t say I’m highly familiar with the Echo Awards, but I assume it has something to do with audible sounds and contributions thereof to the world; that does little to explain Katy Cocktease and her central placement at the awards, but, perhaps the Echo Awards are all about finding hot, divorcee, divas who heavily flaunt their bodies and caress their delicious D-cups on stage for an adoring ogling public.
There’s no denying that Katy Perry has a certain quality that makes us badly want to see her, touch her, and for some of you out there, smell her, but it also frustrates us with how ‘good girl’ she suddenly claims to be when we get down to the nitty gritty. So many arbitrary rules, Still, an Echo Award. We’re not sure, but we think that’s prestigious. Enjoy.
Our friends at Zoo magazine have a plan, a simple plan for bringing smiles to the face of men and women-digging-women everywhere — find hot glamour model, get her top off, snap photos. It’s genius in its simplicity. And we respect genius, especially when it involves flesh puppies that are just out of this world.
In her brand new photoshoot for the magazine, the racktastic Britty lingerie model, Melissa Debling provides a healthy dose of funbag exhibition, the kind of medicine we do not need a spoonful of sugar to make go down.
You absolutely must check out the Melissa Debling Booby Takover video on Zoo. It’s pure mammarial madness. Enjoy.
« Irina Shayk & Anne Vyalitsyna Tag Team Booty Bikini Pictures
Katy Perry Loves The Body Suits » March 26th, 2012
I don’t know what the hell I’m supposed to think about “>Miley Cyrus anymore, on the one hand she’s the hillbillied offspring of one of the worst one hit wonders of all time, and on the other hand she kind of makes weird things happen in my genitalia region. I’m so confused. It’s like asking a stripper to marry you, at the time it seems like a good idea, and then someone named Omar tells you that a kilo of cocaine is on your registrar. No thank you.
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Photos: WENN.com
I’ve been alone with you
Inside my mind
And in my dreams I’ve kissed your sweet rump
A thousand times
Well, hello, Nicole Richie. The little second gen Hollywood celeb is having something of a coming out party this past week as she pimps her new TV show, something about fashion that I’m quite sure we don’t give a hoot about, but I am also quite sure that in this same week we’ve seen more of Nicole’s body than we have in the past three years combined, with or without sour puss face. And quite a nice little body she has to present, seen here in these poolside bikini photos from Miami.
Sure, Nicole Richie’s bothersome sunglasses and spoiled girl perma-pout aren’t going anywhere, but if she starts flashing more of that bikini butt and heaving short stack cleave, we are bound to pay attention. Enjoy.
READER FINDS: Katy Perry Cleavage, Rachel Nichols Nekkid, Imogen Thomas Topless, and Much Much More…
We’ve made it to Friday, but nobody makes it anywhere in life alone. It takes a village, not to raise a child necessarily, but to assemble the morass of asstastic and boobtastic we call our communal Reader Finds each week; no one man could assemble such celebrity flesh. So, once more, I come bearing wreaths of thanks to those of our readers who moonlight form their daily toils to provide Egotastic! with their particular discoveries of the sextastic kind.
This weeks Reader Finds includes a wicked pic of Katy Cocktease teasing, well, you know what, Rachel Nichols in purported rare nekkid photos, Britty gossiped about girl Imogen Thomas quite topless, the wonderful uncovered Floppy Tesouro unbound from clothing, soapy star Helen Flanagan flashing monster cleavage, India Reynolds busting through paper to strip, Krysten Ritter in one sexy pictorial, Phoebe Tonkin in bra and panties glory on the tube, Serinda Swan with just her guitar, Holly Peers flashing her peerless twins, and Natasha McElhone getting about as sexy as she gets on camera, which is nice.
FINDS AND CREDITS:
Thanks much to ‘Watson’ for an elegant presentation of hot Sudamericana Floppy Tesouro in all her bodily glory.
EgoReader Sascha has what he claims are quite oldie, but goodie nekkid photos of Rachel Nichols. We’ve been inspecting them thoroughly here, but just for prurient interest.
Kudos to ‘Jamie’ for caps of the delicious Aussie Phoebe Tonkins in her bra and panties in The Secret Circle.
Blessings to ‘Banger’ for catching this single amazing shot of Katy Cocktease showing off her quite spectacular body.
We appreciate ‘Kim B.’ and her offering up of Coronation Street’s boobtastic young wonderment, Helen Flanagan, flashing some amazing amounts of cleave in her fine frock.
Thanks respectively to ‘Jason’, ‘Reggie F.’ and ‘Darrell’ for their respectfully respectable contributions of Holly Peers, India Reynolds, and Imogen Thomas, three Britty bomshells each in their own form of topless awesomeness.
Muchos gracias to ‘Jorge of the Bay’ for his fine find of Serinda Swan, the Breakout Kings hottie, wearing nothing but a guitar.
We do so dig Krysten Ritter. As does ‘Elwise’ who could not stop fawning over these relatively tame, but Ritter-iffic pictures of the brunette alt-hottie.
And last but certainly not least, ‘Bernie B.’ has a hankering for a little Natasha McElhone from Californication; again, tame for us, but hot for Natasha.
Enjoy.
